S.O.M: Save Our Men



I thoroughly enjoy reading the press targeting the male market, for they always crack me up.
There are, at least, 4 sections that are always present in these magazines: Beauty, Sex, Advice and Cuisine (needless to mention the Flat Abs section).
I invite you to join me in a brief analysis to the message conveyed by magazines for men.

Beauty
I love good scented men, with a smooth skin, dressing sharply and classy…yes, mea culpa…but these magazines can exaggerate.
For example, they suggest men should do facials, body & feet massages, body waxing, manicure, pedicure, home spas etc – are they competing with women or something?
I can imagine a guy’s boss scheduling a lunch meeting and the guy asking him/her “Boss, can we have the meeting after lunch? You see, I have a facial at luncheon.”
These beauty suggestions have reached such proportions that, in India, the trend is to recommend men to use skin whiteners (to draw beautiful women and be more successful at work)...my God...
And let’s not talk about the product suggestions they make: Dior for men, Yves Saint Laurent for men, Channel for men, Calvin Klein for men etc. Yeah, the mainstream (the main target for these magazines) can well afford these products...people, get real!

Sex
This section, in magazines, always makes me laugh my eyes out. Let’s take a look at some examples of the sexual advices men are exposed to (the title is almost always something like “10 tips to make her go wild tonight”):

1- The G Spot is a myth, but look for it anyway; she’ll love it!
2- Lick her ears (but be careful not to salivate all over her earlobes).
3- Whisper in her ear how sexy she is (even if she’s not).
4- Wash her hair, while kissing her neck; use shampoo not soap; do not forget to condition her hair. After the wash use a Braun Creation blow dryer with a Vidal Sassoon brush to style her sexy hair.
5- Kiss her feet (and if they’re crusty: who cares!).
6- Offer her a thong to wear on your special night (and if she’s a jelly butt, adorned by cellulite, ignore aesthetics for what matters is what’s inside the thong).
7- Kiss her armpit (and if she forgot to put the deodorant, endure it, or you won’t get lucky tonight).
8- If she has vagina issues, just look her in the eyes and tell her that size and shape is not important; what counts is what she does with it.
9- If she just had her breasts done (or re-done), let her know how beautiful they look (even though they feel like rubber).
10- Stop being selfish: do whatever you can to let her reach an orgasm before you do; if needed be learn Tantric sex (it’s ok, it only takes 5 or more years to fully practice it [after a lot of discipline and testicular pain])!

Must they try subjecting almost every woman, in the world, to the same foreplay experience (kindly lectured by pseudo-sexual gurus)?

Advice
This section is dedicated to those who write the magazines seeking for guidance. But really, sometimes I think that the people are making fun of the guy advising them, for some of the questions are absolutely ludicrous (something like this):
I “Dear X, I realised that whenever I am in my health club’s locker room, watching the other guys getting dressed my penis leans towards the centre; and I was told that in order to get all the girls my penis should lean towards the left. What should I do?”
Reply: “dear reader, it doesn’t matter which way your penis leans towards, just as long as it works properly”.
II “Dear X, I have hairs all over my body; my girlfriend says she’s tired of tooth-picking my hairs off her teeth. What should I do?”
Reply: “dear reader, try the Veet Wax for men it will do wonders; or, you could try permanent depilation. That way your girlfriend’s teeth will be safe and hair free”.

Cuisine
These magazines do make an extra effort to teach men how to cook (since they advocate that men should not depend on women to eat [the reporters who write these things, experience a momentarily positive schizophrenia, since they forget to mention that most women, nowadays, refuse to cook for men]. Yet the offered reason is quite valid; if you ask me).
The problem is that now, because of all this quick lessons, every man is a chef and a cuisine critic – they even tell women who cook “Ohh, you didn’t use orange with the duck...you should’ve!” (Simply because Men’s Health told them that orange goes well with Duck)...please...

I know that shallowness sells; I know that deep and serious themes suck; but must these magazines imply that men have no creativity at all (hence needing silly sexual tips), and that they are a bunch of idiots?

S.O.M!

Image: taken from Google Images

Comments

  1. magazines just want to SELL! they will come up with anything to do so, while assuming i guess, that most if not all of their readers, are dolts!

    the line about keeping the teeth hair-free cracks me up!

    great post, max, another bit of incisive and iconoclastic thinking and writing!

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  2. I remember when I was in college we had a get together at this one guy's house. I excused myself to use his restroom. I was shocked to see a whole line of mens' COSMETICS on his bathroom counter!!

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  3. Hey Mark :D!

    "True, sad and funny!"

    LOL a true dichotomy, right?

    Thanks for having dropped by :D!

    Cheers

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  4. Hi Lynda :D!

    It is good to see that you are well ;)!

    "magazines just want to SELL! they will come up with anything to do so, while assuming i guess, that most if not all of their readers, are dolts!"

    LOL so true!

    "the line about keeping the teeth hair-free cracks me up!"

    LOL LOL I cracked myself up while writing it as well *nodding*...

    "great post, max, another bit of incisive and iconoclastic thinking and writing!"

    Thanks, darling *bowing*! I do try ;)!

    Lynda, thank you so much for having dropped and for your kindness :D!
    You were missed!

    Cheers

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  5. Hi D!

    :D

    "I remember when I was in college we had a get together at this one guy's house. I excused myself to use his restroom. I was shocked to see a whole line of mens' COSMETICS on his bathroom counter!!"

    LOL LOL LOL more than the ones you used, eh? I know the feeling...once I met a guy who had more shampoos and conditioners than I did...wow!
    Sometimes I do think they are competing with us lol...

    D, thanks for having shared your experience, girl :D!

    Cheers

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  6. I started reading and laughed out loud: I always read guy's magazine at Chapters!

    What? I'm just curious to see what they talk about! :D

    The sex section is priceless. I mean... Guys, the G-Spot DOES exist, keep on looking, she will thank you sooner or later! :D

    The food section is also funny. While women are given these impossible to follow recipes with 65789 ingredients in their magazines, guys are encouraged to... boil water, throw in pastas and tada! Here is the diner honey! :D

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  7. LOL!!! The one that made my eyes bulge was sex number 4. Is he supposed to be a hairdresser too? However, I like sex number 10 (without the Tantric Sex part) - I'd love to add that women should teach men how to make them have an orgasm. :-))))

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  8. Ciao Max,

    "S.O.M: Save Our Men": I love this title; it's hilarious!

    When I was growing up, a guy would learn about the facts of life from its own entourage (friends, brothers, cousins and "chez madame x") and from the improvement through his creations and imagination.

    Those magazines are frightening for they encourage guys to behave like sheeps: so damn sad!

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  9. Hi Zhu :D!

    "I started reading and laughed out loud: I always read guy's magazine at Chapters!"

    LOL you read them too?

    "What? I'm just curious to see what they talk about! :D"

    LOL Girl, I know what you mean!
    But trust me: what they talk about outside those magazines is far more interesting...

    "The sex section is priceless. I mean... Guys, the G-Spot DOES exist, keep on looking, she will thank you sooner or later! :D"

    Isn't it? LOL LOL LOL LOL so true... ;D

    "The food section is also funny. While women are given these impossible to follow recipes with 65789 ingredients in their magazines, guys are encouraged to... boil water, throw in pastas and tada! Here is the diner honey! :D"

    ROFL now you said it all: women get complex recipes that take hours to cook, while men are given ultra-simple recipes that take only 5 minutes (and yet it is not a guarantee that it will come out right lol) *nodding*.
    Aaah, but a good pasta is complex too! The ones they teach on those magazines are pathetic!

    Ah, Zhu...thank you so much for this awesome comment (you made me laugh) :D!

    Cheers

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  10. Hi Amelia :D!

    "LOL!!! The one that made my eyes bulge was sex number 4. Is he supposed to be a hairdresser too? However, I like sex number 10 (without the Tantric Sex part) - I'd love to add that women should teach men how to make them have an orgasm. :-))))"

    LOL you didn't know? The poor men not only have to be Don Juan but they also must be Fabio (the hairdresser) *nodding*.
    I couldn't agree more with you: women should teach men what pleases them and how to make them reach an orgasm.

    Amel, my girl, thank you so so much for this fantastic comment: I adored it :D!

    Cheers

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  11. Ciao Dux :D!

    '"S.O.M: Save Our Men": I love this title; it's hilarious!'

    LOL it is a good one, isn't it? LOL...

    "When I was growing up, a guy would learn about the facts of life from its own entourage (friends, brothers, cousins and "chez madame x") and from the improvement through his creations and imagination."

    Just like women (except for "chez madame x" perhaps lol) who learned from their entourage.
    Interesting how nobody speaks of parents: parents should also teach their kids about the facts of life, shouldn't they? Well, in the past parents didn't discuss these issues with their kids, but nowadays there is no excuse for not doing it (and some still don't) *nodding*.

    "Those magazines are frightening for they encourage guys to behave like sheeps: so damn sad!"

    Absolutely!! It is damn sad!

    Dux Probus, thank you ever so much for this marvellous comment (you rock) :D!!

    Cheers

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  12. Hi Max,

    This is funny...come on, the world has gone mad!

    Beauty: there are men who spend more than women just to look/feel good: metrosexuals!

    Sex: those magazines sell a sex recipe for all: how pathetic is that?

    Advice: it's the most idiotic section of the entire periodical.

    Cuisine: the recipe alone doesn't make a cook; one needs a good nose, palate and some sort of magic therefore if you want to feed your woman go to school or attend to several workshops.

    Max, the whole concept of those magazines is not about teaching the populace; it is about selling the products to make money!
    Thank you for making us laugh and think as well.

    Men need to save themselves before they jump into the biggest hoax of them all: quick fix!

    Cheers

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  13. Hi Max,

    I guess if Cosmo can ruin how girls perceive themselves then mens magazines can do the same for men.

    "I love good scented men, with a smooth skin, dressing sharply and classy…"

    Definitely.

    "For example, they suggest men should do facials, body & feet massages, body waxing, manicure, pedicure, home spas etc – are they competing with women or something?"

    Can you say metrosexual? Can't women have anything to themselves anymore? There's nothing wrong with looking/smelling/feeling/being good, but please buy your own products and stop taking mine. (message to my brother 20 years ago.)

    "These beauty suggestions have reached such proportions that, in India, the trend is to recommend men to use skin whiteners (to draw beautiful women and be more successful at work)...my God..."

    What about the make up line for men. Eyeliner, lipstick, mascara, blush, etc. Men already wear earrings, G-strings makeup, get their hair dyed and try to emulate women in every way they can. Our former head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover even wore dresses. The gender line is disappearing into the bikini line.

    OMG these are hilarious. ROFL. I am holding my side to keep it from splitting. ROFL...ROFL...ROFL...

    "If she just had her breasts done (or re-done), let her know how beautiful they look (even though they feel like rubber)."

    This is so L.A. (Los Angeles)

    Aren't those letters ridiculous? I used to think that people like that didn't exist, but then I saw a couple of reality shows and knew that there is a whole culture of the them.

    I don't think that women mind if the man doesn't cook because that means they can go to a different restaurant every night.

    It is a shame that men (and women) buy into these types of magazines, but they do make entertaining reading.

    Thanks for a fun post Max. My side won't be the same.

    Save Our Men Cheers!

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  14. Hi C.C :D!

    "This is funny...come on, the world has gone mad!"

    lol you are right: the world has gone mad! *nodding*

    "Beauty: there are men who spend more than women just to look/feel good: metrosexuals!"

    As if beauty products could ever make anyone feel good about themselves - it is an illusion.
    If we do not love ourselves, if we do not feel good in our own skin; then forget it cause no cream or make-up will ever make us feel good.
    Metrosexuals is equivalent to "gays who refuse to come out of the closet, yet can't help but to express themselves" - I suggest they come clear once and for all.

    "Sex: those magazines sell a sex recipe for all: how pathetic is that?"

    It is extremely pathetic if you ask me *nodding*..

    "Advice: it's the most idiotic section of the entire periodical."

    LOL I agree.

    "Cuisine: the recipe alone doesn't make a cook; one needs a good nose, palate and some sort of magic therefore if you want to feed your woman go to school or attend to several workshops."

    Hear! Hear!!!

    "Max, the whole concept of those magazines is not about teaching the populace; it is about selling the products to make money!
    Thank you for making us laugh and think as well."

    You are so right! You are welcome; I am just glad I made you laugh :D!

    "Men need to save themselves before they jump into the biggest hoax of them all: quick fix!"

    *nodding in agreement*...

    C.C, thank you ever so much for this incredible comment: I absolutely loved it :D!

    Cheers

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  15. Hi Lady A,

    "I guess if Cosmo can ruin how girls perceive themselves then mens magazines can do the same for men."

    LOL Cosmo sucks! We also have Cosmo here: it must be the worst magazine I have ever browsed (because one can't read it).

    "Definitely."

    ^5.

    "Can you say metrosexual?"

    Metrosexual.

    "Can't women have anything to themselves anymore? There's nothing wrong with looking/smelling/feeling/being good, but please buy your own products and stop taking mine. (message to my brother 20 years ago.)"

    Apparently they can't. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL I hear you! You kill me! LOL....

    "What about the make up line for men. Eyeliner, lipstick, mascara, blush, etc. Men already wear earrings, G-strings makeup, get their hair dyed and try to emulate women in every way they can. Our former head of the FBI, J. Edgar Hoover even wore dresses. The gender line is disappearing into the bikini line."

    Dreadful! Men in G-strings look ridiculous, specially when they use those leopard patterned ones...ridiculous (if they only knew) *nodding*!
    ROFL ROFL Yeah, I heard that about J. Edgar Hoover...dear Lord.
    ROFL "the gender line is disappearing into the bikini line" LOL LOL this was a good one!

    "OMG these are hilarious. ROFL. I am holding my side to keep it from splitting. ROFL...ROFL...ROFL..."

    ROFL....ROFL...I didn't mean to make your side split; but it was too good not to talk about it LOL...whenever I read about these silly tips I just crack up like no man's business...lol.

    "This is so L.A. (Los Angeles)"

    lol...nowadays it is so "everywhere" (even the Portuguese women have gone wild).

    "Aren't those letters ridiculous? I used to think that people like that didn't exist, but then I saw a couple of reality shows and knew that there is a whole culture of the them."

    They are ridiculous. LOL they really exist? Shocking!

    "I don't think that women mind if the man doesn't cook because that means they can go to a different restaurant every night."

    LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL oh, I have a friend who would love this answer LOL LOL ^5!

    "It is a shame that men (and women) buy into these types of magazines, but they do make entertaining reading."

    They are great toilet reading, trust me.

    "Thanks for a fun post Max. My side won't be the same."

    Don't mention it, girl :D! LOL You side is cute ;)...

    Lady A, thanks a million for this amazing comment; I laughed and teared (loved it) :D!

    Men Are Funny Cheers

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  16. Well written - a great analysis - obviously a detailed research from you!

    So what do we men do now then - since you know what we know what you know? I mean, do I stop looking for the G spot or use orange with the duck?

    Btw; I seldom read those mags - I rather read your blog as it gives secrets even I did not know :lol:

    Happy Weekend dear blog friend :-)

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  17. ha ha Max, You have hit the nail where it should...its very true the modern craze going now in India is of the Metro-sexual man and even movie actors are being roped in to encourage more and more men...I also sometimes think whether its craziness or is it that for some time we lose our thinking brain, because the general trend is these craze stay for some periods and slowly fades away...even I agree with your other points also...its as if the mags are trying to teach a child on the street, although I think even though will be more intelligent than these mags...its just that today anything and everything sells and advertising is all about making people a little less objective and making a few bucks by inducing the brains....nice reading!

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  18. Hey Max, firstly, I love your new header and layout, so modern, wow, and the blues, reminds me my first blog. Cool stuff girl.

    Secondly, I have to tell you - you made me laugh on this one, and I been laughing now for couple of days, since finally got some time to blog.

    Max, don't you know that this is all the get out from the current recession, lol. I guess woman got smart and using less services, so now they are targeting man, lol, poor suckers. What's next, children and elderly people?

    Oh that was one interesting read and fun to read - you are full of good stuff and surprises.

    Take care for now, and have yourself a good weekend Max.

    Anna :)

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  19. It’s hard for me to keep up with the latest trends for men when the only mags I read are my doctor’s five year old Readers Digest and the ones I find on the toilet floor at work; but most of those have the pages stuck together anyway. Happily trapped in a time warp, I’ll just wait for everything old to become new again.

    Take Care,
    Peter

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  20. Max! We, men, can be suckers, morons or anything else but we don't need to be saved.
    We rule the world, girl!!! :o)
    We are only trying to find out our role in this new brave world where women are beginning to be in charge...

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  21. Hey Renny :D!

    "Well written - a great analysis - obviously a detailed research from you!"

    Thanks, my friend *bowing*!

    "So what do we men do now then - since you know what we know what you know? I mean, do I stop looking for the G spot or use orange with the duck?"

    ROFL ROFL...Renny, keep looking for the G spot and about the duck...you cook, you tell me ;).

    "Btw; I seldom read those mags - I rather read your blog as it gives secrets even I did not know :lol:"

    Aww, that is so sweet of you *bowing! Aaahh you are pulling my leg lol ;)!

    Renny, thank you so much for your input (you cracked me up), it's always a pleasure... :D!

    Cheers

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  22. Hi Kalyan :D!

    "ha ha Max, You have hit the nail where it should...its very true the modern craze going now in India is of the Metro-sexual man and even movie actors are being roped in to encourage more and more men..."

    *Bowing*...I know what you mean (ref: actors).

    "I also sometimes think whether its craziness or is it that for some time we lose our thinking brain, because the general trend is these craze stay for some periods and slowly fades away"

    True, these trends are quite ephemeral; but the problem is they come up with some other crazier trends (that make me wonder where are we going to as humans)...

    "its as if the mags are trying to teach a child on the street, although I think even though will be more intelligent than these mags."

    LOL I hear you!

    "...its just that today anything and everything sells and advertising is all about making people a little less objective and making a few bucks by inducing the brains....nice reading!"

    Now you said it all, my friend! Thanks :D!

    Kalyan, outstanding comment for which I thank you a million times :D!

    Cheers

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  23. Hi Anna :D!

    "firstly, I love your new header and layout, so modern, wow, and the blues, reminds me my first blog. Cool stuff girl."

    Why, thank you, darling *bowing*!

    "Secondly, I have to tell you - you made me laugh on this one, and I been laughing now for couple of days, since finally got some time to blog."

    I am glad you have more time in your hands, girl ;). LOL and I am happy that I made you laugh...!

    "Max, don't you know that this is all the get out from the current recession, lol. I guess woman got smart and using less services, so now they are targeting man, lol, poor suckers. What's next, children and elderly people?"

    You may be right! LOL LOL "women got smart" LOL I hope so! "Poor suckers" LOL LOL LOL...
    You bet, next they will go after children and the elderly (I wonder what sex tips they may come up for the elderly[cause they are some active little bunnies, you know lol])?

    "Oh that was one interesting read and fun to read - you are full of good stuff and surprises."

    lol I am just glad you liked it, darling :D! Aaaah, thanks for your generosity *bowing*!

    Anna, thanks...girl!! I did have a great weekend!

    And darling, thanks for your funny comment :D!

    Cheers

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  24. Hey Peter :D!

    "It’s hard for me to keep up with the latest trends for men"

    It's hard even for those who read those mags...

    "when the only mags I read (...) and the ones I find on the toilet floor at work; but most of those have the pages stuck together anyway."

    ROFL ROFL ROFL...you kill me, Pete!! ROFL ROFL...
    I only read these male mags in the toilet (that's the only time I can allow myself to read them)...

    "Happily trapped in a time warp, I’ll just wait for everything old to become new again."

    Aah, Pete...you are blessed :D!

    Mate, thanks a million for you comment: you killed me! :D

    Cheers

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  25. Hey Cidão :D!

    "We, men, can be suckers, morons or anything else but we don't need to be saved."

    ROFL...come on: be generous on men now! Not all men are suckers, morons etc...there are some cute men out there.
    Oh yeah...you guys need to be saved, trust me!

    "We rule the world, girl!!! :o)"

    LOL LOL LOL are you sure? 100% sure of that? ;)

    "We are only trying to find out our role in this new brave world where women are beginning to be in charge..."

    This is beautiful...I am nearly touched ;)!

    Cidão, I absolutely loved your comment: thank you, thank you, thank you :D!

    Cheers

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  26. Gotta admit that when I was growing up (well I'm still growing up ;~) ), I looked to some of these for advice. Getting advice from many different places is okay, as long as a man is able to resist crossing the line into douchebaggery!!

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  27. Hey Manimala :D!

    "Gotta admit that when I was growing up (well I'm still growing up ;~) ), I looked to some of these for advice. Getting advice from many different places is okay, as long as a man is able to resist crossing the line into douchebaggery!!"

    lol We are all still growing up ;). LOL I loved that "douchbaggery" LOL LOL excellent!

    Manimala, thanks for your input :D!

    Cheers

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  28. That's actually pretty funny. I just really hope guys don''t take that stuff for real.

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  29. Hey Fikalo :D!

    LOL actually, some men take this stuff very seriously!! It's even shocking! LOL

    Thanks for having dropped by, darling :D!

    Cheers

    ReplyDelete

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