Parody: The rambling roses!

“And when the queen of Sheba heard of the fame of Solomon concerning the name of the Lord, she came to prove him with hard questions” (I Kings 10:1)

The sun takes a peek through the window of a huge room adorned with white and golden striped chaise-longues; two beds (covered with a white cloth) where the women get their massage; exotic plants of a lush green, brought in from the forests in Lebanon; and a pool of warm and crystal-clear water, filled with multi-coloured rose petals. On the corner there’s a table (made of Lebanese cedar) where the essential oils rest. This is the Royal bathroom.
Five Apollo-like eunuchs, with legs spread and arms crossed on their chest, watch the room.

Inside the swimming pool Miriam, Elisha and Delilah (3 of the king’s wives) bathe, in silence, when suddenly Hagar (one of the concubines) breaks into the room and, maliciously giggling, asks permission to join the 3 wives. They agree, and since Hagar wouldn’t stop giggling, one of them addresses her:

- What are you laughing at, goofy? – Asks Delilah
- Hi hi hi…I bring news! – The 3 wives look at each other and swim over to the concubine – I heard that a Queen has arrived, from the land of Cush, to test the King! And you know his preference for wise women!
- Lower your voice! – Orders Delilah
- Our position is at stake! What are we going to do about it? – Asks Miriam - Where did you say she comes from? – Inquires Elisha
- Er…Cush?! – Replies Hagar

In silence the four women part, each one taking one corner of the pool.
30 minutes, and wrinkled fingers, later the 4 assemble on the chaise-longues so that they plan their defence:
- That broad got to go! – States Delilah
- Not so sure about that…! – Mocks Hagar
- Shut up, concubine!!! – Orders Miriam
- Hum…I had an idea! We release snakes into her chambers! – Suggests Elisha
- He he he…you mean the King’s chambers! I overheard the chamberlain saying “this one is game!” – Teases Hagar
- What?! Without a bath? Without purifying her body? Ah, this tart…she knows her ways! I had heard about these people from Cush before: very dangerous *spit*! I’d dare sending some spies over to the king’s foes…- Delilah plots
- Start a war? Over this? – Elisha questions
- In order to protect our kingdom, and our bed, anything goes, even a war! – Delilah and Miriam defend
- Listen, Elisha, if this wench climbs to the king’s bed; how long, do you think, we’ll be “fasting”? – Asks Delilah
- Indeed…it has been a while…a long time! At least, since they purified Hagar! – Retorts Elisha

The three needy women give a deadly look at Hagar who, in her defence, says:
- It’s not my fault! I was pulled out of my parents’ house…an oldie wasn’t in my plans!

At this the wives break into laughter. Finally Delilah says:
- Either we ask help to those who worship chemosh

In awe the others say:
- Never! We are not like the other wives; we would never sin against our Lord, the God of our forefathers, over a phallus…not even for a Royal one!

However Delilah ignores them:
- …Or we find someone to seduce her, thus inducing the king’s wrath, and getting her killed…!
- Who would give her a fix?! – Asked Miriam, Elisha and Hagar
- The whore-man, who else, but the king’s brother?!

Amazed by Delilah’s plan, the four women sigh (as if they just had the orgasm of their lives) and simultaneously lean against their chaise-longues, with their eyes closed, and legs slightly apart…
This moment of delight is interrupted by the chief-eunuch who says:

- Hagar, get ready! You are being summoned to the king’s chambers! The visiting Queen is leaving!


  1. Hi Max;

    I loved this article, a wonderful blending of modern speech with ancient thought.

    Vividly described…with delicate artistic rendition…very nicely done

    Interestingly in 1 Kings 11 we are told that Solomon’s obsession for women is what led him astray from God and into worshiping false gods (worshiping god’s other than the God of Scripture is always condemned in Scripture, another example of exclusivity, so much for the “all paths” idea).

    He had 700 wives of royal birth and his 300 concubines on top of that, what a disaster!

    There is nothing in Scripture about an intimate liaison between the Queen and Solomon but it would not be at all surprising, his life was well off the rails at that time. I love the way you worked thru it…excellent!

    There is no mention of a Hagar as far as Solomon goes, Abrahams wife Sarah did have a maid servant named Hagar (this was of course many years before Solomon, the roots of the problems between Israel and the Arab countries today!)

    Elisha is a masculine name so it would have been highly irregular for a woman to have that kind of name since gender neutral names were not common in that culture at that time, but hey artistic license…

    Delilah of course many years prior to the Solomon setting was involved with Samson also not a pretty scene in history, a none-Jewish name which could represent many of Solomon’s foreign wives.

    The exact location of Sheba is not certain: it was used of southwestern Arabia (modern Yemen), but the term is also used at times of Ethiopia (Also called Cush).

    As these lands were intermittently under the control of different states it is probable that both are true. At Solomon’s time Ethiopia almost certainly had some degree of control over that portion of Arabia and so the title would be amended into the Queens title much as has happened with say the British Monarchy, the Queen of Canada lives in England.

    This being said I loved the way you describe the conniving and scheming, my favorite article of yours Max! Bravo!

    It would be a fascinating scene in a movie…

  2. Hi Max,

    I enjoy this one also.... it has really a movie rythm. It has caught my full attencion. Conspiration schemes and jealousy among women .... can be really quite a subject. Yet,there is the need for power and control, which can be very desappointing if it turns an obcession....

    I liked also the end, something like:
    back to reality (wake up kings calling!)

    Kind regards

  3. Yes, it is similar in speech to the Message Bible which is a nice translation into normal everyday speech.

    The stories around Sampson are interesting to me, and it is most interesting that even after all of the terrible things that Sampson did, he ended up in the kingdom of God after all.

    It gives hope that, no matter what has happened in your life in the past, it is never to late for you.


  4. Oswegan;

    Redemption is beautiful…it shows us how wonderful the Redeemer is.

  5. INTERESTING story, Max! He he he...LOVE the way you express your thoughts! ;-D

    And I LOVE reading Livingsword's response, too! ;-D

  6. Hi Max,

    I left a reply yesterday but it looks like it didn't take. I will try to remember what I said....

    This post was fun to read as I imagined a day in the life of King Solomon's palace.

    I like to imagine the life of Queen Ester as well. My six year old daughter loves me to read the story with her.

    Regarding Oswegan's comment.....i too have often thought about characters like Samson and Solomon who were such a paradox. They had the spirit of the Lord with them but often behaved so badly.

    As he and LS pointed out, there is always hope and redemption is good. Who are we to judge because God knows our hearts and He forgives. The message that stands out to me from those old testament charactors was that God counted them as righteous simply for believing him.

  7. Max, I just don't know how you do it, this great piece of work, I really enjoyed reading it. Anna :)

  8. Oh, that was fun ! A total different kind of writing, you're pretty surprising.

    The story is very well set and I love the unique use of vocabulary. It's different, it's fresh, it's... you ma petite Portugaise ! :$

  9. Hey, seems your right sidebar's now way down the page. Hmmm...strange...I noticed that you're going to turn your blog into a 3-column one, eh? Seems you have to widen the writing area or something. I've never done it before so I don't know what to say to help you. :-(((( GOOD LUCK then in improving it!

    Btw, sorry for not replying your email yet. I've been SO busy and I've been waking up SO late these days...YARGH...such a SLEEPYHEAD he he he...

    Today I'm gonna try to bake something, so I'll write later after I get back from Pori, OK? ;-D

    Have a SPLENDID weekend, GIRL!!!

  10. Oh my what a surprise!

    Max you have gone three columns! It is starting to look very nice, you need the room for all your awards and to support the weight of your Technorati number. Have you considered a color change, a rich hue of blue or perhaps black?

    I just read thru this article again! Everybody tells me “you know Max is just beautiful but she can’t write” and I tell them “no the girl really can write”.

    Definitely worth another read, perhaps you would consider posting more often so we can enjoy more of you…

  11. The photography stunns me. A very beautiful capture

  12. made my Sunday....something so creative to read after a long time. I love your play with the words to bring the underlying ecstasy to the reader albeit zealousness, treachery or scheming and in a way purporting our minds to a world which is so flicker and shallow that sometimes we fail to notice the diamond at the end of the tunnel and mistake it for a sun beam.

    1. Hi Kalyan :D!

      Yeah, this one is an oldie.
      I loved your comment, K: thank you so much for it, my friend.



Post a Comment

Dissecting Society welcomes all sorts of comments, as we are strong advocates of freedom of speech; however, we reserve the right to delete Troll Activity; libellous and offensive comments (e.g. racist and anti-Semitic) plus those with excessive foul language. This blog does not view vulgarity as being protected by the right to free speech. Cheers